the Dalaverse

Saw the Big Gay Skirt Movie (tm doolabug I believe) and a spoilery review follows, but first OMG I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT -- James Horner, you fucking hack. I spent the entire movie going "this is totally a James Horner score" and didn't stay to check the credits, but have just looked it up on amazon and he did do the music. HA!

Let me explain. One of my Holy Four, the four pinnacles of my childhood movie watching experience, is a tiny 80's fantasy movie from Lucasfilm called "Willow." James Horner happened to score it (I'm assuming it was one of the first things he did, but don't quote me). Anyway, a couple of years ago I'm watching "The Mask of Zorro" on TV and near the end, when we've got our faceoff between Anthony Hopkins and the evil guy, I hear this dramatic, very sinister-sounding flourish. And I'm immediately going, "What the hell -- is Bavmorda going to pop up?" Because this distinctive flourish was the exact same theme Horner used for the villain Queen Bavmorda in "Willow." Exactly. The. Same. And sure enough, I tape the credits and put them on slo-mo to discover that James Horner was the composer. Now I love the score from "Titanic" as much as the next teenage girl who was obsessed with the movie and owns both soundtracks, but the man? Is derivative. And not only that, he steals from HIMSELF. I don't know if he figured nobody would remember "Willow" or what, but I sure as hell remembered, and I was remarkably pissed off considering that it's not that big a deal.

Point being, I heard echoes of that same flourish throughout "Troy" -- not an exact replica like "Zorro," but similar enough that I knew it had to be Horner. And...I don't know why I'm so vehement about this, really. It just irks me a lot. In the first instance I was insulted because I love "Willow," but now I'm just kind of disgusted and wondering why the hell people still hire the guy.

Moving on...

First: HAWT. Brad Pit, with the blond locks and the muscles and dear god all the nudity (no ass ::pouts:: but still)? Nobody should have access to that much hot.

Admittedly, his performance wasn't too great. Brad Pitt's not a bad actor persay; it's just that, were you trying to make a case for his abilities, this is not a film you'd want to use as an example. Lots of moments in which he looks vaguely angsty but it just seems that nothing's really going on inside his pretty head. He looked great, but he didn't embody Achilles. Which is perfectly fine with me, since I'm ambivalent about the character to begin with. The performance I was most concerned about was Eric Bana's, because I absolutely love Hector. Hector is my man and Bana portrayed him perfectly. He was the only character to really move me at any point, mostly when he was around his wife and son, when he was with Paris, and when he was about to go out and face his death. It was just...great acting. Bana doesn't even do much for me in the pretty department, but I'll be looking forward to his next movie (I didn't see "The Hulk," incidentally, and I'm told that is a Good Thing).

Anyway, a wonderful Hector achieved. Second favorite character/performance was Sean Bean as Odysseus. You could see that clever brain working, but he still had the precarious balance between charm and slight ooze that's always made Odysseus so fascinating to me. Bean rocked it hardcore. I also loved Brian Cox as Agamemnon (my spelling is off, I think, and I can't find my Homer anywhere -- I think it's still packed). He was perhaps given a bit too strong a villain treatment, but he was so over the top that I loved it anyway. Peter O'Toole was a good Priam, especially in the tent scene with Achilles (sidenote: I believe I remember that Achilles really did cry over the body of Hector -- not surprising, as he was totally batshit crazy at that point -- but I think it was a bad decision to write it into the script. Pitt couldn't pull it off, and it seemed out of character).

And then...there's Paris.

Orlando, you are an exceptionally good-looking man, even when you look so much like a woman (seriously, some of those shots where you can see the back of his head and kind of the side of his cheek? Could've been Andomache). I'm a sucker for curly hair, and you got to show off your lovely smooth chest in this movie rather a lot. But nothing you or the scriptwriters could possibly do was going to affect the blinding hatred I have for the character of Paris. I loathe him, completely and utterly, and no matter how adorable Orli looking clinging to Hector's legs, I was still silently shouting "Get 'em Menelaus!" When he was whacking Paris' shield over and over, I was sitting there with a giant grin on my face. I just...hate Paris. Jack Davenport or Johnny Depp could've played him and I still would have been hissing at the screen. Orlando Bloom still hasn't convinced me that he can actually act, but I wasn't expecting him to in a big-budget flick like this. So: enjoyed the view, but my hatred was further sparked by the attempted manipulation to get me to like the character. Never, ever gonna happen.

The Helen actress -- Diane whatsherface -- was...meh. Just there. Not terribly bad, but not good either. She was pretty enough, considering her costars, but excuse me if I can't quite buy the blue-eyed blonde bombshell as the paragon of Greek beauty. Couldn't she at least have had freckles? Briseis and Andromache had freckles! Speaking of whom, Andromache was not important enough to leave an impact except on the basis that she mattered to my beloved Hector. I don't remember Briseis as being quite that important to the story, but I don't resent the liberties taken with the character because I liked the actress well enough. She and Brad Pitt didn't have much chemistry, though, which is kind of tragic. I was looking forward to the grab-the-woman-and-roll-her move they flashed briefly in the previews, and I was all "You GET yours girlfriend," but I didn't really care about the relationship.

On to technical stuff. The action scenes were pretty good, though the Achilles/Hector fight was a tad short, and disappointing because one of the Post reviewers called in the fourth greatest man-to-man fight in cinematic history -- not the movie's fault, I know, but it was still a let-down. Liked the blood, because I am a sick sick woman. Troy looked a lot like Egypt from the made-for-tv miniseries about Cleopatra a couple years ago. I loved how Achilles moved with his shield, spun it around and used the two little window-groove-thingies. The horse looked like something that could conceivably have been built in twelve days using limited materials. LoveloveLOVED the close shot of the one ship pulling up on the beach. But the editing sucked ass -- not a decent transition in the lot, and some of the meaningful looks in various parts could've easily been cut.

Story changes...people dying at the wrong times, Patroclus being Achilles' cousin (massive airquotes), etc. I had to have a hissy fit on the way home wherein I shouted out the way things really went, but then I felt better and I don't think they'll bother me as much when I see it again. I'm attached to the story of the Iliad, but I can deal. Hollywood cheesification is always to be suspected, and there was not as much of it as there could have been. I did have myself a giggle over the bit with Aeneas at the end, but I think it went over the general audience's he. God, that makes me look with a snob, but hey, we did all the classics just a few months ago in first semester Lit in History, so I'm still smug about the knowledge. The whole thing wrapped up a bit neater than I think Homer intended, but I doubt he was spinning in his grave.

Well...not too much.

Anyway. Satisfying movie, but it didn't move me the way "Gladiator" did (using the comparison mostly because the Post did and now I'm forced to associate the two). Must see it with the girls, because there was prime opportunity for snarkage, and I had only the folks on either side of me, and they're not the ideal snark partners. My mother kept leaning over to whisper the most inane things -- first she was complaining about the sex (Me: "Mom, it's Brad Pitt naked. Just enjoy it.") and then she was asking me about the plotline and such -- "does he die? What happens to that guy? Who's this actor?" And when Briseis was saying goodbye to Achilles: "Maybe she'll have his baby." Me: *withering stare*. Dad just kept repeating that Brad Pitt is supposedly smelly. I say, when you look like Brad Pitt, you can smell however you damn well please.

ETA: And of course there was hoyay! galore. That pretty much goes without saying.