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the_dala at 11:25pm on 27/05/2006
the_dala at 11:25pm on 27/05/2006And I say that as a Star Wars fan.
Spoilers, and extreme unfavorable opinions, beneath the cut. I went into this thing spoiler-free. Meg had speculated that Scott would die based on the trailer and was all prepared to hate it. I honestly didn't think it would be that bad, no Bryan Singer or, uh, no Bryan Singer.
I WAS WRONGER THAN A VERY VERY BAD WRONG THING.
I'm not even sure if I can remember all my mental 'to be posted' notes (although I did reinforce them by expressing them to Katherine in the car and Megan over the phone, the latter of whom shared my feelings exactly. "I made a Dark Phoenix t-shirt, dammit!' -- Meg). Overall, it was wrong. The 'cure' storyline and the Dark Phoenix storylineand the young X-Men growing up and the introduction of Angel just did not gel. The plotlines were shaken, not stirred, only they didn't produce anything nearly so delicious as a martini.
Can't think more coherently than that, so on to bullet points.
It was action-packed. There's no denying that. But even though here was so much going on, I couldn't really bring myself to give a fuck, because I couldn't find it within myself to care about these characters and their stupid shit anymore. The discrimination parallels should have helped me care, but the movie was so adrenalin-pumped and frenetic that they couldn't. That was no family, nor Brotherhood. I don't know what that was, but I hated it and it made me very sad and I'm going to bed wrapped in a cocoon ofpsychic energy bitterness.
Okay, I'll throw out a couple of things that worked, just to tip the scales a bit. If one Celebrity Fit Club team were made up of Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie, and Mischa Barton, that is.
Um...yeah, that's it.
But the trailers were AWESOME. "Superman" and "Clerks 2" and "My Super Ex-Girlfriend" and of course, of COURSE the new PotC, which I must watch again and again and again. I hope IMDB or rottentomatoes has it up. In the lobby, they had wrapped ads around a giant pillar -- one segment apiece for Jack, Will, Elizabeth and Davy Jones. I circled it three times.
Spoilers, and extreme unfavorable opinions, beneath the cut. I went into this thing spoiler-free. Meg had speculated that Scott would die based on the trailer and was all prepared to hate it. I honestly didn't think it would be that bad, no Bryan Singer or, uh, no Bryan Singer.
I WAS WRONGER THAN A VERY VERY BAD WRONG THING.
I'm not even sure if I can remember all my mental 'to be posted' notes (although I did reinforce them by expressing them to Katherine in the car and Megan over the phone, the latter of whom shared my feelings exactly. "I made a Dark Phoenix t-shirt, dammit!' -- Meg). Overall, it was wrong. The 'cure' storyline and the Dark Phoenix storylineand the young X-Men growing up and the introduction of Angel just did not gel. The plotlines were shaken, not stirred, only they didn't produce anything nearly so delicious as a martini.
Can't think more coherently than that, so on to bullet points.
- The dialogue. Awful. Awful. 'Fuzzball' and 'Oh my stars and garters' would not have seemed so silly if they hadn't been surrounded by non-canon silly things to say.
- Storm. You know why they didn't let her fly in the first movie? Because it looks fucking stupid! And like hell Storm gets the X-school. What kind of dirt does Halle Berry have on Brett Ratner and his writers? And why didn't it produce a mildly interesting character?
- The uniforms. I was so excited when Logan issued the order to suit up, until I noticed that unlike the yellow-piped leather outfit he and all the characters previously sported, Bobby had baby-blue piping. And Storm had another color I can't remember -- purple, maybe. And Kitty's was fucking hot pink. I also don't remember Colossus's, because I was too busy staring at his beautiful arms and wondering why they thought he was supposed to matter to us in the context of the movie, with his single line and the two or three uses of his name.
- The hair. Oh Jesus, the hair. Rogue's was far too dark. In canon it is chestnut, almost reddish-brown (well, most canon; there are far too many storylines and artists to keep track of). I'm pretty sure they didn't dye it black to make her look ten minutes away from slitting her wrists over notebooks full of angsty poetry in the last two. This is nothing compared to Jean, however. Poor, poor Famke Jansen. I understand that she is not a natural redhead any more than Kirsten Dunst is a natural redhead. But she was cursed with the Wig of Bloody Death. It looked like doll hair. Like a Little Mermaid doll. Atrocious. I guess Halle Berry's was the least objectionable, but I hate movie-Storm, so there.
- The deaths. It's X-Men, so I'm not expecting anybody to stay dead. But this is the movies, and to kill Scott off after one paltry scene, with no reason other than a half-assed motivation for Jean to remember her humanity, when James Marsden has taken that easily-overacted-and-annoying part and knocked it out of the park in two previous films (even when he wasn't given much to do in X2) -- it boils the blood and boggles the mind. Is Logan supposed to provide the sole emotional impact of even this severely fucked-up Dark Phoenix storyline? I don't bloody think so. Scott is their leader, Scott is their rock, and to write him off with so little respect is one of the movie's greatest crimes.
- And then the deaths just kept coming, at points where there was absolutely no suspense, shock or sympathy. I'm sorry, PROFESSER CHARLES XAVIER IS KILLED BY JEAN GREY, and I'm supposed to pay attention to a whole other half of movie? The rest of the X-clan sure didn't. Magneto remembered Xavier better than they did! Even with the stupid eternal flame!
- So, there we go -- no Scott, no Jean, no Professor X and no Rogue (neutering herself? Fuck that, bring on the Ms. Marvel plotline). Ergo, no X-Men. This is not the Wolverine and Storm Show.
- Oh yeah, and NO MYSTIQUE, who out-awesomed everybody in her scant minutes onscreen. I didn't realize how much I loved Mystique until she was Rebecca Romijin again.
- Warren Worthington III, one of the original X-Men, is finally inducted into movie canon and that's the only bone they can throw him? He flies around majestically and makes one stop at the X-manse?
- By the way, JUGGERNAUT IS XAVIER'S BROTHER.
- The shockwaves mutant looked like Prince. Kat leaned over to point this out and we giggled through the rest of the climax.
- All of Magneto's mutants were pale, inked, pierced, punked-out Gothy McGothersons. Or ugly. Or minorities. Or all of the above. While all the shots of the X-kids showed them as wholesome as an Oreo commercial. That is some lazy visual storytelling, right there. The casting people should be shot.
- I don't know why this is so, but despite the fact that the most powerful mutant ever is a woman, the movie gave off a creepy mysogynistic vibe. Little things, like the men's club of the president's cronies (I think there were one or two women, like, sitting at the monitors). And the two uses of the word 'bitch.' I don't know why that made me so deeply uncomfortable, but it did. Kitty's 'dickhead,' while I loved it, did nothing to soothe me. Oh yeah, and why were all the physical fights divided by gender? At Jean's house Wolverine gets Juggernaut and Storm gets SpeedyChick, and then later when Magneto's gang is hunting Logan, they're all male. One of the reasons I love the X-Men is their free-for-all attitude. It's not heroes and heroines, it's heroes meaning BOTH men and women.
- Kitty looked about thirteen. This would not have bothered me, except Bobby does not look thirteen. Again with the creepy. Anna Paquin must also have done something to piss off TBTP, because there's no logical reason to transfer all of her personality save her desire to be normal, to Kitty.
- The bridge thing was cool, yes, and I realize Magneto is a show-off, but seriously -- he couldn't have thought of an easier way? Maybe hijack a ferry boat or, I don't know, pull up iron deposits from the bay floor? I don't mind special effects, just gratuitous special effects (for once I'm not looking at your, Lucas)
- That bit in the battle scene where Logan, Storm and Beast discover the doses of the cure for to hurl at Magneto -- it was like "Oh, Rocky!" "Brad!" "Janet!" "Rocky!" "Brad!" "Janet!", only without sound, and without intention of humour.
- It's comforting to know that going evil gives one a totally ridiculous sense of fashion. One more deterrent.
- I didn't see the post-credits scene, but Meg described it, and it gets a big WTF from this corner.
It was action-packed. There's no denying that. But even though here was so much going on, I couldn't really bring myself to give a fuck, because I couldn't find it within myself to care about these characters and their stupid shit anymore. The discrimination parallels should have helped me care, but the movie was so adrenalin-pumped and frenetic that they couldn't. That was no family, nor Brotherhood. I don't know what that was, but I hated it and it made me very sad and I'm going to bed wrapped in a cocoon of
Okay, I'll throw out a couple of things that worked, just to tip the scales a bit. If one Celebrity Fit Club team were made up of Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie, and Mischa Barton, that is.
- The first scene with Charles and Erik -- I'm sorry, Charles/Erik. That was far and away my favorite bit. So gay, and so cute, and so tragic knowing how it ends. Unfortunately the slope got very steep from there on in.
- My little Rogue/Logan shipper heart was warmed by a couple of things -- the 'Marie' scene, yeah, but mostly a couple of scenes where she turns her head the second he comes in the room. They were crumbs, but I'll take them.
- Juggernaut and Angel both looked fantastic. So did Hank, to my great surprise -- I was opposed to casting Kelsey Grammer, but he worked it out, and the Beast was truly beastly in the battle scenes.
- Logan and Jean during her death scene -- the situation itself was wrong, but the actors were on-target. And I loved/hated how she stripped off the top of his X-suit but left the bottoms.
Um...yeah, that's it.
But the trailers were AWESOME. "Superman" and "Clerks 2" and "My Super Ex-Girlfriend" and of course, of COURSE the new PotC, which I must watch again and again and again. I hope IMDB or rottentomatoes has it up. In the lobby, they had wrapped ads around a giant pillar -- one segment apiece for Jack, Will, Elizabeth and Davy Jones. I circled it three times.
disappointed
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But yeah. Any emotional attachment to the X-world at all? Not a fulfilling two hours.
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And Angel was very well-done, so you'll like that.
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I saw it on Friday, and yeah, it was done well.
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What kind of dirt does Halle Berry have on Brett Ratner and his writers? And why didn't it produce a mildly interesting character?
I've wondered that in both previous movies about her and the powers that be. eww.
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There were several things that pissed me off too...
Why the hell was the Phoenix not actually shown in the Phoenix form, especially since they showed it at the very end of the second movie.
I also didn't have any attachment to any of the characters that died, part because I was in disbelief that they actually killed any of those characters, and sadly I have never been a big fan of Jean or Scott, this going back to the cartoon. But I was bursting out laughing when Xavier was being torn apart, just his face flapping in the wind and then the big stupid smile he gave right before he died.
And the special effects... I was a little disappointed with those too. The bridge scene was cool and all, but there were clips where the animation just looked poor, oh and then... after Magneto placed the bridge down and floated back to the ground, if you watch very closely you can tell it is a movie set because the fucking image behind them is not a green/blue screen but just some blown up picture, and I swear you can see the seam between the image and the set. No one else I have talked noticed it, but I swear it is there.
Beast and Angel should have been introduced earlier since they are the founding members of the X Men, also making Angel a little young (I think there are a few characters that are a little young).
I also remember Beast being a scientist, genetic research?, I don't remember the whole politician thing but I could be wrong. I did like Kelsey Grammar as Beast.
What happened to Night Crawler?
Each movie has upset me a little, and I would have almost forgiven them for the third movie if they would just include Gambit. I have been waiting for him to show up since the first movie.
But I can't wait till I get home and then we can discuss this further.
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I'll have to watch for that crappy effect editing when I rent it and get drunk and make fun of it all with you guys.
Yeah, whereTF was Nightcrawler? Maybe they ran low on their blue make-up budget :)
I loved the other two, so much, and this one was just rotten.
When are you coming home? I'm moving back to St. Mary's on Tuesday, but I fully expect visits!
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But this sounds like a total waste of time and money. Total.
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And yeah, I mostly agree with you about X3. I soothed myself with watching Wolverine and Mystique in their good parts. Love me some Hugh and Rebecca.
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2. I have nothing relevant to contribute here; therefore, I will rant:
I've had a love/hate relationship with the X-Men comics for years. And since Storm is one of my favorite comic characters ever, I have no plans to see the movies until they digitally erase Halle Berry and replace her with either Iman or Angela Bassett. And don't get me started on what they're doing to her right now in the comics.
Rant over. Sorry.:)
I do like the idea of Kelsey Grammer as Beast. He's got the perfect voice and persona for the role.
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Kidnapped by wallabies and raised in Australia?
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